Pairing: yongguk/himchan, side!himchan/daehyun
Warnings: swearing, some sexual situations
Summary: They were friends. AU
A/N: A request from a friend which I've been working on too long and I really don't even know if I like this but whatever.
(april 2013; the friend i wrote this for has passed away, rest in peace, i'll always remember you)
They were friends.
Yongguk couldn’t really remember when or how they had met. They just had. He had been very young back then. His height could’ve been measured by his father’s leg; a little bit over the knee-tall.
One day, it had been just him.
Then the other, there had been Himchan. A boy just as small as him, with friendly words, beautiful smile and kind eyes. He asked Yongguk to build a sandcastle with him and afterwards complained about having sand in his shoes.
And since that day, there had been them. Yongguk and Himchan. They were friends.
Time went by. They went to school. Made new friends, made their own friends.
But still they were Yongguk and Himchan. Always walking to school and back together, always doing their homework together, always complaining about homework together. The years leading to puberty were filled with video games, various sports, movies and wide smiles.
Yongguk had a little spark of a dream back then. A simple and a pretty innocent dream. He just wished that Himchan and he would forever be like this. They had beaten various things together; from the hardest boss fights in their favourite video games to baseball matches against rival teams.
With Himchan by his side, he could’ve faced anything. One look of reassurance from the other gave him the power to rule the world; or that’s what it felt like, at least. He needed Himchan, as a source of his life energy. If he just was there when he needed him, he would’ve been content enough.
But time went by.
Yongguk grew to be a little taller than his father. Himchan was just an inch behind.
As people, they never really changed, neither of them. Himchan was a natural beauty in his teen’s; straight nose, high cheek bones and pretty lips; his face was one big charm point, and it had always been. But no matter how handsome he was, there was a personality behind every mask. Those pretty lips formed complaints, daily. He had high expectations of his surroundings, and if they didn’t match, he would voice his disappointment very loudly, until it was acknowledged.
But with a smile, those lips would also voice out little playful insults at Yongguk. So he didn’t really mind (that much, anyway). What he minded was Himchan’s naivety; he was too trusting of people, too trusting of the world itself, not believing real evil could exist. Maybe Yongguk had grown to be cold, had a habit of negative thinking and was painfully antisocial, maybe that’s why he thought that the world around him could have been much better, but he knew now that it was filled with war and death and it was something people should care about- but Himchan still seemed to think that the world was just a patch of clear blue sky and morning sun.
In a way, Yongguk thought it was admirable that Himchan had been able to keep his childish mindset.
At first, Yongguk thought it was just his hormones. It would be a phase. That was what all the books kept telling him. It was only natural for him to develop romantic thoughts and feelings toward his best friend; the choice was familiar and felt safe, until he would be ready to gain attraction to the opposite gender. It was something some people just went through.
So he didn’t worry about it so much, when in his early teens, he dreamed of hugging, kissing and touching Himchan in every possible way there was. It was a phase. It could stay a secret.
He got worried when the dreams didn’t go away. When they developed into a one, big mess of a dream; they changed the dream he already had about Himchan. Just him being there for Yongguk wouldn’t be enough anymore. He wanted to be there for Himchan, too. Friendly partnership wouldn’t be ideal because Yongguk wanted them to be lovers. Receiving smiles didn’t feel right when all he wanted was to have Himchan in every way possible, all to himself. His dream blossomed to an extent where he couldn’t just ignore it anymore.
It was hard to talk to Himchan, when suddenly it felt like all of Yongguk’s words were stupid, his voice was weird, he wasn’t funny enough to impress. It was hard to sit next to him, because he just got an itch to sit closer, wrap his arms around him, maybe set a hand on his thigh. It was hard to look straight at him because he just wanted to drown into his eyes and kiss that smiling mouth.
It was hard to love him when he had made him into this freak.
When he was seventeen, he decided he didn’t want to be a freak. He would fix it. He would make himself normal.
Himchan was a social butterfly, so to say. Yongguk definitely wasn’t unpopular, he had friends, but he was pretty quiet and honestly, a shy guy. So if Himchan had asked him to join him at some party at his friend’s house, he had always declined. He just wasn’t a party person.
Or that’s what he had thought.
One Saturday night, he found himself at some classmate’s house, awkwardly standing around with a drink is his hand, nodding his head along the loud music. A lot of people were there, but he didn’t really know any of them. Except Himchan, but he had bounced off somewhere immediately after arriving.
Yongguk felt really out of place.
After he had already finished his drink and had some time to wonder if anyone would miss him if he just left, a very happy and very plastered Himchan appeared with two beers in his hands. He stumbled the other one to Yongguk’s hand and then pressed himself too close to comfort, breathing against the other’s face and asked if he’s having fun. Yongguk looked away from his flushed face and nodded a few times, and Himchan answered him with a laugh.
”Relax a bit”, he said and ran his hand down Yongguk’s side, and disappeared back into the crowd of people.
Yongguk took a long swing from his beer. And another. The alcohol was already giving him a nice buzz.
When he was done, he went to look for more.
By the end of the night, he was pressed against some girl in the hallway (he guessed he knew her, or at least she knew him; at that moment, he had no idea), feverishly kissing her and kept repeating in his dazed mind how this all was going to make him normal.
He decided partying could be his style.
It didn’t happen.
No matter how nice, pretty and sexy his nightly hook-ups were, he felt nothing towards them. Yeah, kissing was quite nice. Sex was even better. But when he was done he just felt awkward and wrong and waited for a sign that meant he could dress and go back home.
”Did you go home early yesterday? You just disappeared.”
Oh, no, I just fucked this girl to get over you.
Himchan smiled and pinched his cheek. ”You’re such a baby!”
No matter how hard he tried, he was still a freak.
Yongguk hadn’t wanted Himchan to find out. He knew he was stupid to wish for something like that, since people talked. There were already some rumours going around of him being some kind of a ’player’, having a new girl every two weeks or so.
He wasn’t a player. He was confused.
”Oh, shit, sorry-”
Yongguk felt his stomach drop as he heard a familiar voice by the bathroom door, forgetting the head that was bobbing on his lap. For a second, he thought that maybe it wasn’t him, maybe just someone with a similar voice, fuck, he had been so sure he had locked the door-
He glanced at the door and saw him staring at them, mainly the girl, who had now pulled away and was hiding her face and whining in embarrassment; Yongguk ignored her, because Himchan just walked in on him receiving a blowjob and looked like he had been slapped in the face.
He kept looking between Yongguk and the girl, still hanging on the door, then he really met the other’s eyes and he looked so confused and hurt- if Yongguk hadn’t been so drunk or turned on he would’ve probably known what to do in this situation, but he just watched in his haze as Himchan mumbled some more apologies and hurried out.
Himchan was very timid around him after that night. They didn’t talk about it, other than Himchan asked if he had a girlfriend. Which he didn’t, and he told him that, but the answer didn’t seem to change the other’s eyes when he looked at him; eyes that seemed betrayed.
Yongguk wanted to talk about it. Tell him he was sorry, about lying to him, about being a freak, he wanted to ask him why he was so hurt, was he confused too?
But he didn’t dare.
Yongguk’s mouth was very dry.
Himchan asked him to come over for the first time in a month.
He had been afraid that their story would’ve already ended here.
He was sitting on Himchan’s tidy bed, staring at the wall with some paintings hanged on it. They all had Himchan’s name scribbled on them; he wanted to major in arts after they graduated high school.
Said boy sat next to him and offered him a can of soda, which Yongguk opened but didn’t drink from. Himchan seemed nervous. They were both nervous. They hadn’t talked in a while.
After some silence and shifting, Himchan slapped his palms against his own knees, and looked at Yongguk with a hardened expression, which didn’t hide the fact that he was obviously scared to death.
Yongguk stared at him, flabbergasted. The other’s eyes were unfocused, his fingers clenching against the loose material of his pale gray sweats- Himchan always wore those at home, even though they were old, had holes in them and overall were too big since he had lost some weight, but he apparently loved them because they were soft and comfy. Himchan dropped his head, eyes focusing somewhere between Yongguk’s lap and the bed. ”You can leave now, if you want to...”
Yongguk didn’t want to leave. He felt so... blank. All this time, Himchan had been a freak, too. Himchan was such a blabbermouth, how did he keep this as a secret? And why didn’t Yongguk notice, ever?
And a sad part of him was hopeful. Maybe... maybe Himchan had a dream about him, like he had the one about Himchan. Maybe they could...
”No”, he said, then coughed a few times because his throat and mouth still felt dry,”Channie, it’s okay.”
Himchan shyly lifted his eyes back to Yongguk’s at the mention of his nickname. They were really close, so close that it hurt Yongguk because he could count every little mole scattered around Himchan’s face, every eyelash and every shade of brown in his eyes. Glancing at the other’s wetted lips he was reminded how dry his mouth still was.
On an impulse, he leaned closer.
Himchan leaned away.
Yongguk looked down in his lap, remembered his soda and took a drink from it instead.
Himchan definitely didn’t have a dream about him.
They talked a bit. Things went back to normal.
Only difference was that Himchan was a freak like Yongguk, but didn’t know about it, and wasn’t a freak for him like Yongguk was for Himchan, so he had to try harder to just become normal and forget about the dream that wouldn’t leave him alone.
They graduated high school.
Yongguk was still trying.
They got into the same college, and figured that hey, it’ll be just natural for them to become roommates since they’ve been friends since being knee-high and chubby.
Yongguk was still trying.
Time went by.
Yongguk was so sick of trying.
”I met a guy”, Himchan told in excitement, as he sat across of Yongguk on their dinner table.
Yongguk had a chemistry book open, and didn’t lift his eyes from it. He knew Himchan was still as painfully pretty in his twenties as he had always been; he didn’t have to look at him to know it.
Himchan sneakily pulled his book from under his nose, put a tack on the page and closed it. Yongguk made an annoyed noise, making the other smile. ”You’re going to listen to my love story, okay? You can study later. You’re a fucking genius, anyway.”
”I’m not a genius.”
”Whatever. Ask me about the guy.”
Yongguk rolled his eyes. This happened every time Himchan got a crush on somebody.
”Who is he...” He muttered, not really placing it as a question. The other’s smile was so wide and full of teeth; Yongguk felt, always felt, so bad for him. Himchan would probably just get crushed again.
”Jung Daehyun. He’s from the music department. And he’s so hot...” Himchan laid his head on the table, lost in his happy and dreamy thoughts. ”He’s from Busan, you know, his satoori is so cute...” A sigh. ”I just want to shrink him and keep him in my pocket. Forever.”
He didn’t like forever.
”So how did you meet?”
”He’s Jongup’s friend.” Jongup was Himchan’s friend in the arts department. Sweet guy with paint always smudged all over his face. ”He came over to say hi, and he complimented my sketches.”
”You just love anyone who praises you”, Yongguk muttered and Himchan answered with a smirk.
For a week, there was no new news about Himchan’s little crush. He kept talking about the guy on and off, but Yongguk figured that it’d end after Himchan would see the guy with a girl somewhere and be discouraged and sad for a while, sniffle against Yongguk’s chest and ask him why nobody ever loved him back, and he’d just sit there thinking I love you but never daring to speak up.
Yongguk felt horrible thinking this way, but it just was true- Himchan hadn’t really dated anyone up to this day, and he was silently pleased about it. He didn’t want to see him with anyone else, he could bear being with him without telling him his feelings, but if there would be another man in the picture, no, Yongguk would just end there.
He didn’t want Himchan to suffer.
But it was Himchan’s fault he was suffering now.
He did not expect them to go somewhere.
”Guess where I was today!” Himchan chirped after slamming the door shut and stumbling out of his shoes. He looked way too happy, smiling lips and faintly blushed cheeks. Yongguk felt a smile tug on his face, too. ”At the class?”
Himchan huffed and sat next to him on the couch. ”Who’d be happy after classes, seriously?” A roll of eyes. ”I was on a date!”
Yongguk’s blood ran cold, but kept his face blank. ”Uh, with who?”
”Daehyun! Man, do you even listen to me?”
“Oh.” He turned his eyes back to the TV that he had been watching, faking concentration to hide his jealousy towards a man he had never met. “So how did it go?”
“It wasn’t anything special, we just bumped into each other and he suggested we’d go get some coffee together. We talked about this and that”, Himchan told, and Yongguk almost asked if the other was sure that they had really been on a date, but then he continued: “Then when he had to go, he asked if he could get my number so we could go on a proper date!”
“That’s… great.” It wasn’t. Yongguk hated this. Himchan was pressing against his side and it felt nice and he fucking hated it because Himchan was going to date some asshole from college and Yongguk wasn’t ready for it because he just couldn’t get over Himchan and-
“I know, it’s finally my turn”, Himchan sighed and dropped his head on Yongguk’s shoulder.
Yongguk hated Daehyun. Because there was literally nothing to hate about him.
He was handsome. And by handsome he meant a modelling contract just waiting to happen; styled hair, big pillowy lips and skinny legs- Yongguk had stopped and stared a little while when he saw him the first time because damn it, he was gorgeous and it was unfair.
And Daehyun was very nice and polite. Call him old-fashioned but Yongguk had always thought that people with manners were charming that that was precisely what Daehyun was.
He had a great voice. It was nice hearing him talk and even better to hear him sing.
Yes. He was pretty much a dream boyfriend. He was perfect for Himchan.
And that was just why he hated him so much.
He tried to come up with things that would make Daehyun unlikable.
Only thing he could think of was that he had once eaten all of Yongguk’s favourite cereal.
And maybe the fact that Himchan and him were completely disgusting and gross together, but it was mainly Himchan’s fault because he turned out to be the cheesiest person in the universe. Since day one of being boyfriends they were all over each other; holding hands, cuddling, kissing, whispering into each other’s ears, gazing each other across the table while playing footsie- just everything that dating people did.
But they were two people in love. Yongguk couldn’t blame them for that.
So he ended up just hating himself for hating someone completely innocent.
Or maybe not so innocent.
Yongguk pressed his hands over his ears, but it didn’t work. He tried to block the noise with his pillow, but it didn’t work, either.
They must’ve been doing it on purpose.
Or they just hadn’t thought of how thin the walls in their apartment were and that Yongguk could hear everything.
Which right then was them having sex.
Yongguk could handle seeing them together. He could manage through their cuddling and sweet nothings, their kisses and make-out sessions, those were nice, quiet activities which he could escape from seeing and hearing by just leaving the room.
But hearing their moans, hearing Himchan’s wanton cries from just a wall away was too much for him to handle.
I need a new fuck, he thought. I can’t stand this.
He found himself in a pretty boring party at his classmate’s dorm that Saturday night, feeling a nice buzz and trying to look for a willing girl. It wasn’t working though because all of the prettier girls were either too damn picky or had heard his tendencies that hadn’t really changed since high school. He had tried dating, really, but none of his tries worked out since all he could think of how none of those people made him feel like Himchan did.
There were some people from the arts and music departments; Himchan would’ve come too, but he had to work on some assignment that was due on Monday (and had whined over how he had to spend the night alone since Yongguk was leaving him there and Daehyun was also busy). He could spot Himchan’s friend, Jongup, with some lanky guy with partly blue hair, and this one girl with darker blue hair who was kind of pretty but wasn’t warming up to him- Yongguk didn’t really mind since he wasn’t really into these freakish hair colours anyway. Sometimes he wondered what Himchan really saw in those people.
He didn’t expect to see Daehyun seemingly flirting with some dark-haired guy.
It looked like he was making eyes with the guy, and had a hand on his thigh- Yongguk guessed he could’ve been just delusional. He knew Daehyun was a good guy, he was really the last person Yongguk could imagine being unfaithful to someone. Maybe they were just close friends or something.
The thought still didn’t stop anger bubbling into him.
“Yongguk, what are you saying?”
Himchan looked up at him from the floor, where he was sitting cross-legged in front of a canvas he was working on; he was wearing those same gray sweats he always did and a white tank top now stained in various shades of blue and green from his painting, he still had a bed-head for probably starting his work right after rolling out of bed, he looked so good Yongguk thought Daehyun must’ve been an idiot if he really was cheating.
“Just... I’m pretty sure it was him”, Yongguk said and sighed. He had decided to tell Himchan about the party first thing after he woke up because he was sure the other wouldn’t believe him when he was drunk, but it seemed Himchan didn’t want to believe him anyway.
“Well you saw wrong, he said he’d be visiting home and he was”, he snapped and went back to moving the brush across the canvas, this time more aggressively than before.
“Daehyun wouldn’t cheat.”
“You’re distracting me!”
Yongguk raised his arms in defeat.
Guess Himchan would never change.
His relationship was fine.
Even though the worried frown on his face was getting more and more evident every time Daehyun didn’t pick up the phone or ditched him for some reason or another.
Things really went downhill when Yongguk catched Daehyun near the campus, with the same guy from the party. Now, they could’ve been just friends, who knows, but rarely do people shove their tongues to their friend’s throats, at least in Yongguk’s opinion.
He just stood there, fuming in anger, wondering whether he should go and punch that fucker or just kill him, or maybe he should be reasonable and continue walking back to the apartment to tell Himchan that his relationship really was a lie, but he really didn’t get a chance to do any of this because with little short pecks the men separated, the other man starting to walk the same direction Yongguk was supposed to be going, and Daehyun turning to the opposite direction- and froze when he saw Yongguk.
They just stared at each other for a moment, Yongguk keeping himself from running up to him and breaking his neck, and Daehyun changing from his shock to an arrogant look.
Yongguk walked closer. And closer. He didn’t stop when he was next hm, he just glanced at him and said: “You know Himchan will hear about this.”
He heard Daehyun ‘tsk’, but only when Yongguk was already farther away, he spoke, with a loud and obnoxiously knowing voice.
“As if he’s going to believe you!”
Daehyun was right.
Himchan just didn’t change. When he was younger, the world was just a patch of blue sky and sunshine to him, and it always would be. He probably really would think that North Korea was a democracy- what he didn’t know, didn’t hurt him.
“Okay, Gukkie, I know you’re jealous that I’m actually in a relationship and don’t just fuck around like you, but please”, Himchan ranted, leaning against the kitchen counter looking at him with stern eyes, “Please don’t try to screw us up because of that.”
To say that Yongguk was angry now was an understatement.
“I am not fucking jealous”, well he actually was if you think about the fact that he’s been in love with the other for years now, but he wasn’t jealous of him dating that fucker, “I swear, I know what I saw. He’s cheating and you know it too.”
“You’re delusional. Daehyun wouldn’t-“
“Why are you lying to yourself?” Yongguk walked closer to the other man. Himchan was about to argue but he cut him off before he could. “Channie, you deserve a lot better than this...”
Himchan glared at the other when Yongguk stopped in front of him and placed his hands on his shoulders. He took a few breaths to calm himself; he really didn’t want to fight about this.
He knew Himchan was waiting for him to explain himself somehow, and he really was supposed to convince the other like an adult, but being so close to the other, Yongguk’s mind went blank.
Himchan was the main source to everything in his life; both his happiness and pain. He was his friend. He was the person who held his hand through every hardship they had. He was the one who could make him smile by doing absolutely nothing. He was his first love.
And while he was all that, he was also the reason Yongguk was a freak. He had grown up, he knew that it wasn’t exactly Himchan’s fault, and it wasn’t like he would know something Yongguk had never told him, or really even considered admitting to himself. He was the reason Yongguk had had a mental fight with himself for the past years.
But maybe that was what love was about.
He didn’t really think much when he leaned in and pressed his lips against Himchan’s. He wasn’t sure what he had expected to happen- he could’ve chosen from the million scenarios he had had about kissing the other- but he did realize it was a mistake as Himchan froze completely.
Yongguk pulled away, meeting eyes of disbelief.
“So that’s how it is...”, Himchan said, shaking the other’s arms off of him. “You’re so fucking late, Yongguk. Maybe if you had grown balls before you started fucking around things would be different, but...” Yongguk could just stare as the other went on. Himchan looked so disappointed.
“But I moved on, okay! And you should too.”
“What are you-”
“I knew that you liked me. I liked you too, you know, but my feelings have changed. You obviously didn’t want to do anything about it, so I just...” Himchan’s voice cracked and he looked away.
“I hate you, Yongguk.”
He stormed out.
Yongguk wiped away the tears burning in the corner of his eyes.
He hated himself, too.
So there he was.
Yongguk had to keep witnessing, over and over again, how the man he loved was being happy with a man who was unfaithful to him. It made him sick. It was just sick to watch Daehyun smile and kiss Himchan, telling him how much he loved him and just showering the other with lies of where he had been last night, because Himchan just wanted to turn a blind eye to his concern over their relationship and just pretend nothing was wrong.
And Himchan wouldn’t talk to Yongguk.
They still lived together, but since the confession the apartment was permanently haunted with awkward silence. They didn’t eat together, they didn’t watch tv together, neither of them even greeted each other anymore.
Himchan wouldn’t even look at him.
Yongguk wondered when Himchan would just get sick of it and move out- or maybe he should just move out, because the other was too stubborn to do it.
Whatever would happen, it seemed that their story was over.
It was funny how easily things can go bad. Funnier how easily they could go back to normal.
Yongguk realized that when he was supposed to do homework one night, but ended up just sulking a little about his situation. It was easier being depressed than facing responsibilities.
He was snapped out of his thoughts though when he heard the front door open and then slam back closed. His stomach twisted when he recognized the familiar tune of Himchan crying his eyes out- and before he had a chance to even get up from his bed the said man barged into his room, stared at Yongguk with his teary eyes and then surged into his arms like they hadn’t just been not speaking for over a month.
Yongguk didn’t hesitate to hug him closer. “So… Daehyun is cheating?”
“Fuck you”, Himchan choked out, “I hate you.”
Himchan looked pretty horrible. His eyes and nose were red from crying, tears and mucus and whatnot streaming down his face.
Himchan was a beauty in his twenties, but he was still a human.
“Pretty sure you should hate Daehyun and not me”, Yongguk said and reached to grab some tissues from his bedside drawer. Himchan accepted them and loudly blew his nose and continued sobbing and wheezing. “I don’t blame you, though."
When Himchan calmed down, he blabbered out how he was going to go on a surprise visit to Daehyun’s- and had pretty much walked in on him and Youngjae (that was the other guy’s name, apparently).
He had stormed out afterwards, not without throwing things at the fucker, of course.
“I can’t believe I was so stupid”, Himchan said quietly when he was done.
“You probably hate me now…”
“I don’t. I can’t.”
Yongguk brushed one escaped tear away from Himchan’s cheek with his thumb, making Himchan look at him.
As people, they never changed. In a way their feelings never did, either.
Yongguk wasn’t sure who leaned in first, but the other had followed as their lips met like they had been doing it for years. And it felt so good, so right, it made Yongguk wonder what the conflict in his head had been all along.
“Maybe we should start over”, he said as they separated and pressed their foreheads together.
Yongguk learned that even happiness can hurt.
Himchan was his dream. Whatever it made him, or them, they could work it out as they went.